A Wish For A Smile
by ZQ
Summary: When Prince Arthur, the only wizard in a little-known kingdom, falls into a sullen fit and swears off magic, the queen issues a proclamation - whosoever finds Arthur's lost smile shall be granted their heart's desire. Will this contest be won by the flirtatious knight? The soft-spoken squire? Or the ever-happy, heroic fool? Kink Meme de-anon!
1. Chapter 1

In Which Our Story Begins, Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in a far off kingdom whose name no one seemed able to remember, there was a great queen. Fair as the dawn she was, and wise as any sage who ever lived, but the poor woman lived constantly with headaches. The cause of this ailment was of no mystery. Indeed, there was not one person in the land who did not, at one point or another, say of the queen, "That poor woman! Small wonder she suffers as much as she does!"

It was many years back, you see, that the king of the land was still alive. He and the queen were very much in love, and from that love came five children. Four were boys, as handsome as one could hope, and the last was a girl, with beauty befitting a princess. All had been well until some war or another broke out. The king won the battle but lost his life, and the queen was left with a heart full of sorrow and five unruly children to look after.

The queen did the best she possibly could. She hired the finest tutors and nannies in all the land, and saw to it that her children had the best possible upbringing. And it did work, in a sense. The princes and princess grew to be intelligent and healthy. What they lacked things not so easily acquired.

Princess Deirdre - for that was the young lady's name - was terribly vain. She spent all morning having her servants tend to her hair, clothes, and jewelry. She spent all evening parading through the castle and the gardens, batting her eyes at any nearby men she deemed handsome enough. Deirdre was warned by her mother to take care and not put off all the men in the kingdom with such behavior, but the girl had too much fun to pay attention. It got to be so bad that the queen despaired of ever marrying the girl off. Lovely as the princess was, there were simply no respectable men who considered her worth the trouble.

The youngest son, Prince Arthur, was a frail boy. He never took an interest in fighting or battles like his brothers did, instead preferring to spend time indoors, studying. Most unfortunately, his brothers saw him as weak and silly for this, and always mocked him. It was not just the other princes who thought this, though. Anyone who met Arthur, even the servants, whispered that he was a sickly thing, and would he be in any shape to care for the kingdom, when the time came? Perhaps it was because of all this whispering that Arthur also grew up to be a very sarcastic boy. There were few things that he did not have a biting remark for, which unsurprisingly did nothing to endear him to his brothers.

Prince Finn, the second youngest, came to blows with Arthur the most. It was not because of a particular grudge or slight, through. Finn was a hot-blooded child. He wailed throughout infancy and he screeched throughout childhood. Almost as soon as he learned to talk, he would quarrel with any who spoke two words with him. Naturally, everyone tried to avoid him.

Second oldest of the princes was Pywll. He was as big and strong a boy as one could imagine. In the gardens of the castle and the privacy of the training rooms, he was able to master the art of fighting. When faced with a foe however, be it lightning, one of his brothers, or even some of the servants, the boy turned to jelly. He was the most timid child one had ever seen. He did his best to fulfill his duties as a prince, but it was very hard to do this when he trembled in fear at most things. Of him, most shook their heads and were grateful he was second-born instead of first.

The oldest child was Prince Cormac. Unlike his younger brothers and sister, he was a very reasonable and well-behaved man. He was not perfect, but he always tried to do right and help anyone in need. Sadly, his good heart was overshadowed by the mischief that his siblings got into. His sweet nature went unnoticed, and everyone was certain that he was a black-hearted troublemaker. After all, with siblings like his, what other kind of a person could he possibly be?

* * *

The years passed in this way and that. The queen struggled with her children, focusing on ruling the kingdom when she needed relief from the stress. She endured it all with the hope that it all would be resolved when they passed out of childhood, but adulthood came and they were as troublesome as ever.

At the end of her rope, the queen called her children to her. Of Cormac, Finn, and Pywll, she had them knighted. The duties as head of the kingdom's army were to be divided between them. Of Deirdre, she made her a lady of the royal court, to meet daily with the other ladies and sew and talk and set fashions.

And Arthur? Of him, the queen gave him a book and a wand. Both of those, she said, were things of magic. Only a learned person had any hope of mastering their power, and she knew Arthur was to be that person. She granted him the title of the Royal Wizard, to use his power for the good of the kingdom.

With that, the queen dismissed her children. Her job was done, and she hoped that these new duties would keep them out of trouble.

* * *

Sadly, the queen's plan was not as successful as she had hoped. The children tried to act in ways befitting their new positions, they really did. But castles are not built overnight, and if years of care and upbringing could not bring change, a new set of responsibilities had no chance. Deirdre still made an obvious show of giggling and preening when any man came even slightly close to her. Pywll still cowered while Finn gave him such tongue lashings. Poor Cormac still did his best while everyone _tut-tutted_ and looked at him suspiciously. None of them were able to improve because the idea simply didn't occur to them.

One good thing did come of this all. Arthur took to his new job as the Royal Wizard like a duck to water. Perhaps it was because he had an excuse to move out to a little cottage at the edge of town, no longer bothered by his family or anyone else who cruelly whispered about him, or it could have been that he enjoyed being wanted and needed for once. Whatever the case, he studied the book of magic and practiced day in and day out. He quickly mastered the power, and word spread that the kingdom had a new Royal Wizard who was stronger than any before.

It was inevitable that Arthur would be overrun with people asking for spells and charms. A lady wanted a potion to cure her baby's illness. A farmer needed something to help his crops grow strong. A young man asked for an amulet to keep him safe on a journey. The list went on and on.

Arthur dealt with it all without complaint. He knew that the people who came to him did not have easy lives. He knew that they only were asking for things they needed. He was happy to be of help.

And then, his siblings began to come.

* * *

It was Pywll who came first. Though Arthur would have rather cut off his toes than admit it, he was overjoyed to see the older brother standing at his door. Arthur had always liked Pywll well enough, mainly because the prince was too quiet to mock Arthur. They had never been close (Pywll was frightened of Arthur's sarcasm, never knowing what to make of it), but here he was! Perhaps, Arthur thought, his departure had brought about more good than he suspected. Perhaps in his absence, his family realized how much they missed him! The thought made him giddy, and he rushed to the door.

He greeted his brother at the door, while trying to act as if he could not be more indifferent as to who was visiting. "Pywll," he said, nodding his head.

"Arthur," said Pywll, looking rather uneasy. "How are you doing?"

"Well enough, well enough. Do come in!" said Arthur. Without waiting for Pywll to respond, he grabbed his brother by the arm and tugged him into the cottage.

"You seem to have settled in nicely," said Pywll, admiring the piles of books and strange instruments.

"Thank you."

There was an awkward silence.

"So," Pywll finally said, "Have you been hearing much news as to what the rest of the family have been up to?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter much to me either way," said Arthur, in what he hoped to be a lofty manner. "But I still would not mind word of how things are going with Mother and the rest of the castle. Please, have a seat! I can put on some tea."

"No, no, that's quite alright," said Pywll, glancing nervously about. "I would not dream of taking up any of your time."

"It's no trouble at all!" Arthur insisted. "I'm on break from my studies, and we haven't spoken in so long."

"Actually," said Pywll, "I only came here to ask something of you."

Arthur felt the excitement drain quite suddenly from him. "Oh...is that so?" He fought to arrange his features into an impassive expression. "I see. Yes. Of course. Terribly sorry for misunderstanding. I thought - well, why else would you be here?"

"Yes, of course," said Pywll, looking relieved that Arthur seemed to understand. "I was wondering if you could provide me with a spell of invisibility."

"Oh?" asked Arthur, his curiosity piqued. "Whatever for?" Had his timid older brother finally overcome his fears and trying his hand at spywork?

Pywll blushed. "Finn has been out of sorts as of late. I was hoping for something to cause him to overlook me, so I might be spared his wrath. Even if it is only for a little bit, I was wondering if you could help me."

"... I see."

"I know you are only to do it for causes of great need," Pywll added, apologetically. "But consider! If I am spared lashings by Finn's harsh tongue, I will be better able to focus to train the soldiers under my command."

_Yes, you will somehow train them while unnoticeable. That makes perfect sense_, Arthur thought. He determinedly tried to steer his mind away from such thoughts. This was fine. Pywll was no doubt kept busy as a knight. It made sense that he had no time to visit family. And while the request was not what Arthur would consider to be for "great need", really who was he to deny doing a favor for a brother?

With that in mind, he provided Pywll with a pouch of powder, telling him that the more he sprinkled on himself, the longer he would go unnoticed.

* * *

When Finn came to visit, on the very next day, Arthur still held on to hope. He and Finn had not gotten along so well as children, but perhaps his time as a knight helped the older brother to mellow.

Those hopes were dashed as soon as the door was opened.

"Hel -" Arthur began.

"I need you to fix me something up _right now_!" Finn interrupted, acting as if he was not even aware Arthur tried to speak. As loud as his words were, that very well might have been the case.

"I'm terribly sorry?"

"Arthur, I fought with several soldiers under my command. I need you to work some magic to fix this!"

"Fix what? They're your soldiers, aren't they? Won't they still obey you?"

"They obey, but I know they skulk behind my back and say rude things about me," Finn growled. "Actually, it's not so different than how you have always acted," he added.

It was all Arthur could do to not lose his own temper. "My magic is a very potent force," he said. "I use it for causes of true need."

"This _is_ a cause of true need! If my knights don't listen to me, how will we win in battle?"

"Has it occurred to you to simply apologize to the soldiers? I think that would help to have them listen to you."

Finn flushed and glared at the floor. "I - I do know that. I...well, that's not to say I haven't...because I _have_! Well, I tried to, at least. But the thought of the argument we had to begin with just...well, I get s-so...and I can't think straight to...AUGH!" He tugged at his hair in frustration. "Just _please_, use your magic to help me with this! Soothe their anger towards me!"

Arthur wished heartily that he could simply use magic to soothe Finn's anger towards all the world. That was impossible, though. There were rules for everything, and magic was no exception. Wishes could only be done for those who _wanted_ them granted, and no one would think to correct a flaw they refused to acknowledge. So all he could do was brew a potion which, he promised his brother, would bring the soldiers to think more fondly of him.

* * *

The next day, it was Deirdre who visited. She did not even bother to be interested in how Arthur was doing, and immediately asked for a potion that would let her sit in the sun without sweating off the powders and paints used to decorate her eyelids and lips.

Arthur stared at her for quite some time upon hearing this request. Finally, he said, "You do know that my magic is for only causes of great need, don't you?"

She blinked. "Yes, of course," she replied, as if suggesting she did _not_ know this were an insult to her intelligence.

All was silent for another stretch of time, as Arthur struggled to point out just how mind-bogglingly _frivolous_ a problem she wanted him to solve with magic. He mentally sorted through many questions and points he could say, until he found one that summed everything up well. "_Why_?"

Deirdre giggled. "I would think it should be obvious."

"Tell me then, dear sister, for I seem to be the fool in this situation. Tell me why the issue of your painted face is a matter of great need."

"Dear brother, you know that my hair looks best when lit up by the sun. Mother always said that. But I overheat so easily that I quickly sweat off anything I use on my face!"

"...And?"

"And if I do not look my best, I will have no hope of attracting the eye of some young man. Really Arthur, do you _want_ your only sister to be left alone and unloved? What sort of a brother are you?"

Arthur felt his eye violently twitch. Given the look of shock on Deirdre's face, it must have looked as noticeable as it felt. "Get out," he hissed.

"Excuse me?"

He seized a small bottle and threw it at his sister. "There's your bloody potion, for all the good it will do you! Now take your idiotic, vain self _out of my house immediately_!"

Deirdre was shocked, but she still kept the bottle of potion as she left.

* * *

Arthur's outburst did nothing to deter his siblings from their demands for magic solutions to their ills and woes. If anything, he now was forced to put up with a constant stream of requests. Even Cormac, who Arthur thought better of, would come for some magical solution for his armor rusting or his horse not eating. It got to be so bad that Arthur wondered if he ought to simply have his siblings pay him for room and board in his cottage. It seemed as if all four of them were always there, day in and day out, screaming at him for help.

"Arthur, my gown has torn and I want it to be repaired perfectly!"

"Arthur, I believe Finn stole some of my armor to taunt me. Can I have a spell to help me locate it?"

"Arthur, Pywll is being an idiot and accusing me of stealing part of his armor. I want a spell to knock some sense into him."

"Arthur, can you give me a potion to help me wake up right away in the morning?"

"Arthur, have you something to cure a hangover?"

"Arthur? Arthur? _Arthur_?"

"This is it!" he finally cried out, when his brothers and sister came for the fifth time in as many days. "I have had it with you! All you do is pester me over the most ridiculous things! Always 'Arthur, I need a spell for this,' or 'Arthur, I need you to magic me up that,' and it drives me _mad_!"

"Well, what do you expect?" snapped Finn. "You are the only wizard in all the kingdom! Were you expecting to be left alone?"

"I expected even one person to visit me simply because they enjoyed my company! Not one person has come to me without a demand of some sort. I have borne it all without complaint. I do realize it is my job. But even you, my own kin, only see me to ask for things for yourself!"

"Oh, Arthur," said Cormac, "We didn't mean to -"

"And to top it all off, you only ever ask for the most trivial, _selfish_ things! If you _must_ visit me only to badger me for spells, could you at least do so for things that are _bloody USEFUL_?"

Deirdre frowned. "I do not think we ask for things that are so -"

"Shut up! I have had it!" Arthur threw his book of spells across the room. It did not make him look authoritative, but it made him feel a bit better. "You may all see yourselves from this cottage at once! I have had it with you all! I am _retiring_!"

"You can't retire!" gasped Pywll. "You're the Royal Wizard! It could be months before someone can be found to replace you. Who will help the rest of the kingdom in the meantime?

"That's _your_ bloody problem," snapped Arthur. Now go on, get out of my house immediately. Leave this instant, unless you'd like to find out what a pissed-off former Royal Wizard is capable of!"

That got them to go.

And thus, it was proclaimed throughout the land that the Royal Wizard would no longer use his magic to help any visitors.

The people of the kingdom cried out and wept over this, but none were more dismayed than Arthur's brothers and sister. For many days, they held on to the hope that Arthur was only speaking in the heat of anger. They expected that when he had calmed himself, he would go back to granting their wishes.

* * *

And so, day after day they came to his cottage and pounded on his door, begging him to let them in and help them. But he said nothing, save that if they did not leave him alone, he would see to it that they were all struck with lightning. Seeing that he had gone through with his last threat and had no intention of having him uphold this next one, they obeyed his command and never again went near his home.

As the years passed, their hearts grew heavy with sadness and regret. Though none of them would admit it, they wished to see their brother again. Their desire was borne of the faint wish for him to help them yet again - it was still one night, and the castle was not yet built - but this time, they wanted his advice and not his magic. If they could, they wanted to ask him how to overcome the faults that plagued them for so many of their years.

The siblings finally found the desire to improve themselves. But though they knew where they wanted to go, they did not know how to find the path to get there. Without Arthur's advice, they were stuck.

* * *

**Ah yes, something else being de-anoned! Hooray! :D**

**I forgot to mention this on the kink meme, but Arthur's siblings are as follows:  
**

**Cormac = Scotland  
**

**Pywll = Wales  
**

**Finn = Ireland  
**

**Deirdre = Northern Ireland  
**


	2. Chapter 2

In Which A Knight And His Two Companions Arrive

And so this went on, and so time passed. The people despaired at the loss of the greatest Royal Wizard known to the kingdom. Many went to beg for him to take pity and help them again, but Arthur remained cold and sullen.

Throughout it all, the queen saw how miserable her youngest son was and her heart broke. More than anything, she wanted to see him truly happy. She wished true happiness on all of her children, but it saddened her to see Arthur turn from something that once brought him such joy. She was certain that if the wizard could only be reminded of the feeling of happiness, he would desire to seek it out again and return to his work as the Royal Wizard. And so, it was decreed that whosoever could find and return the smile that the Royal Wizard Arthur lost would be granted their heart's desire.

This proclamation spurred many to take up the task, but none were successful. Poems and ballads were recited outside of the wizard's window, but he turned a deaf ear. Gifts were left on the doorstep of his cottage, and he left them outside to be ruined by wind and rain. Visitors came in droves to cry words of encouragement through the windows, but all were ignored.

After so many efforts failed, the people simply began to give up. No one could think of anything else to try, that might cheer up the grumpy wizard. If there was a solution to be had, no one within the kingdom knew of it.

And so it was, for some years, that the challenge went unfulfilled. And so it was, the people gave up hope.

* * *

One day, the kingdom was graced with the arrival of a strange man.

This fellow was a knight, strong as a rock and amorous as a jackrabbit in the spring. He was known as Sir Francis, and was as renowned for slaying the hearts of fair maidens as for slaying monsters.

It was late at night when Sir Francis arrived in the kingdom, so he set himself up with a room at the local inn. He was staying with his two traveling companions. The first was his squire, a boy by the name of Matthew, who Sir Francis often cast the most lustful of looks. The second was a bit of a mystery. He considered himself to be the knight's traveling companion. Sir Francis introduced him as a servant, but mostly kept him for personal entertainment, as a fool. The fool's name was Alfred, and such was his idiocy that he completely believed himself to be a hero.

The three found themselves a room after much haggling. Sir Francis had asked for a room with two beds, but Matthew pleaded for some time for a room with three. Sir Francis finally relented to this, and satisfied himself with a smile that made the poor squire shudder.

Because there were so few knights traveling through the kingdom, the innkeeper sought to impress the lot with a fine dinner, much ale, and a good story. The meal and ale were both accepted and deemed to be of sufficient quality, and so the innkeeper was determined to round things off with a story that truly caught there attention. Sadly, the recent state of the kingdom was rather dull. Things were in a lull, with no scandals, battles, or anything really worth mentioning. After wildly casting through his memory for something, he remembered the challenge for the wizard's missing smile, and how it technically still stood.

"Astonishing!" cried Sir Francis, after the innkeeper finished the tale. "And no one ever did find the smile, you say?"

"Indeed," replied the innkeeper. "It sounds like such a simple task, but no one in all the kingdom has managed!"

"How very tragic," the knight mused, grabbing at something under the table. "Do you not agree, my dear squire?"

Matthew murmured something in agreement, and shifted himself ever so slightly away from his master.

"And what do you think of this, my dear fo - erm, friend?" asked Sir Francis, turning to Alfred.

"It was a bit careless of him to go about losing something as precious as a smile," Alfred said, in complete seriousness. "Still, I pity him. He can never truly be complete, for a smile is what ties all together. As the hero, I would like to go out at once and help him find it again."

Now, as it happened, Sir Francis was renouned throughout many lands for his ability to make people smile. He was most talented with beautiful, young women, but he was sure that it would not be much more difficult to try his luck with a young man of noble birth. There was nothing to lose, and the thought of being rewarded with his heart's desire made the venture sound most enticing.

"You are right, Alfred. The poor man must not be complete without his smile," the knight said. "Worry not though, for I personally shall set forth tomorrow and see to it that the challenge is met! What say you to that?"

Alfred looked thrilled. "I say the best of luck, Sir Francis! May you be successful, so that Royal Wizard Arthur will know happiness once more!"

"And what say _you_, dearest Matthew?" asked Sir Francis, snaking his arm around the squire's waist.

"The best of luck, my good knight," said Matthew, standing up quickly. "I shall be off for bed, if you do not mind."

* * *

The next morning, Sir Francis rode to Arthur's cottage. It really wasn't necessary to take the horse, seeing as it was only about fifteen minutes on foot, but Sir Francis did enjoy a dramatic entrance.

And what a dramatic entrance it was! His hair whipped through the wind as he went (he left his helmet at the inn, because he didn't want to hide his pretty face). When he was right in front of the cottage door, he came to a graceful halt. As the horse reared up, Sir Francis drew his sword and waved it in the air.

"_Bonjour_, my dear Arthur!" the knight cried. "I have heard of your plight! Fear not, my dour friend. I, Sir Francis, have come to save you from your life of misery and woe! Open your door at once, and I shall bring a smile back to your face!"

Beaming, Francis turned expectantly to the door. He gave the wizard a few minutes to rush outside, impressed by the knight's charms.

When no one came out, he waited a few minutes more.

It soon became clear that Royal Wizard Arthur was ignoring the newest person come to cheer him up. Still, this did not deter Sir Francis. He was used to lovely ladies (and Matthew) playing hard to get.

Without batting an eye, he urged the horse to rear back again. This time, as it came back down, its hooves came forward and smashed into the door. With a great crack, a crashing sound, and someone screaming "WHAT THE HELL?", Francis was able to walk inside.

It was a small cottage. The few rooms that Sir Francis could see were crammed full of books and instruments and dust. A strange feeling hung in the air, as if time did not pass for those who were shut in. With delight, Sir Francis wondered if the wizard had somehow been enchanted into an eternal slumber. That would explain the difficultly in making him smile. The knight did love breaking those sorts of spells. A kiss to the delicate lips, and they all smiled. Oh, they smiled!

"Bloody hell! What did you do to my door?!"

Wrapped up in his daydreams, Sir Francis had failed to notice a man in a cloak standing in the corner. There were piles of open books around him, as if he had been working on some sort of project. At the moment though, he was staring at the knight with his jaw hanging open.

Ah. So this was Royal Wizard Arthur? He was much shorter than Sir Francis had been expecting. Still the knight was not very picky, and found the wizard's glittering, green eyes to be rather attractive. Attractive enough.

"Ah! So he is awake after all!" Sir Francis gave another winning smile, which did nothing to charm the irate wizard.

"What in the world are you babbling about? And why the hell did you break my door down?"

"As I said outside, my dear, I have come to teach you how to smile once more!"

"I don't need smiling lessons, you tosser! I want to be left alone! Go away, and leave me to repair the door you just knocked in."

Sir Francis ignored this, and instead stepped closer to Arthur. The wizard actually growled at him, and Sir Francis briefly wondered if the wizard might actually bite him. He would not have been the first to try. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Determined to make it through to the end, Sir Francis wrapped his arms around the shorter man.

"Do not be so stuffy, darling. I have come to make you so... happy..."

Arthur stiffened and turned to the knight, his eyes blazing. "Get your hands off of me. _Now_."

Sir Francis ignored this, and began to stroke the wizard's hair. "My love, you are the most beautiful wizard I have ever come across. I have not met many, granted, but everything about you is stunning. Except for your eyebrows, which look like enormous caterpillars. And your hair, which is hideously out of date. But that can all be overlooked, I suppose, with a bit of _l'amour_?"

And he leaned close to Arthur's face, his lips puckered.

Arthur looked revolted and backed away so quickly that he nearly tripped over a pile of books. He jabbed a finger in Sir Francis's direction. "I said get. Your. Hands. _Off_. _You_. _Stupid. FROG_!"

There was a flash of light and a sound like thunder. Arthur gave a satisfied smirk, which Sir Francis doubted constituted a true smile. "Because I'm so generous, I sent your horse back to wherever it is you're staying at. I doubt you'd have much luck riding it, the way you are now, and I don't want it milling around in my home. Good day, and don't bother me again."

Sir Francis saw himself to the door, feeling more than a little peevish. The encounter with the wizard was wholly unsuccessful, and now the walk home was looking to be long and difficult.

"See if a grumpy fool like him ever finds love," croaked the knight, now much smaller than he used to be, as he hopped back to the inn.


	3. Chapter 3

In Which Matthew Is Unsuccessful, And The Third Party Sets Out To Try

It was nearing noon when Sir Francis finally managed to hop back to the inn.

"Were you successful?" asked the innkeeper, glancing up from the dishes he'd been washing.

Sir Francis did not answer this. Instead, he hopped to his room, where Matthew and Alfred were waiting for him.

"Here now," said Matthew, as the former knight made it inside. "How did you make it in here? Let me set you out in a nice pond, somewhere."

"_Non_! No pond is needed!" Sir Francis protested. "It is me, my darling squire! I am Sir Francis."

"Oh dear," muttered Matthew. What a state for his liege to be in! Although it _would_ be easier to dodge his wandering hands with the former knight so small now - no! No! Don't think like that! He's Matthew's knight! "Are you feeling well, sir?"

"As well as I can feel, in the state I am in," he sighed. "Still, I take comfort in knowing I at least am the most handsome of amphibians."

At that moment, Alfred turned from where he had been daydreaming by the window and took notice of the froggy knight. "Sir Francis, you have returned!" he cried, as if this all was the most natural thing in the world. "I did not know that your heart's desire was to become a frog!"

"This most certainly is not my heart's desire," Sir Francis snapped.

Alfred looked genuinely stricken. "It isn't? But that must mean that you failed to find the smile! Forgive me, I - I did not think that was possible!"

Sir Francis found himself smiling at the fool's words, which were nothing but honest. He knew there was a reason to keep him around. "Alas, there is no help for it," he said. "It looks as if the only hope for me now is if Matthew succeeds in finding the wizard's smile."

Matthew blinked. "Me?"

"_Oui_!"

"But why me? I -"

"You are a good boy, Matthew. I am sure you will do it for me. Please?" Sir Francis dropped his voice to a seductive purr. This was not as effective as it normally was, if only because the man could not reach up to whisper into his squire's ear. "You will find the wizard's smile and have him grant you your heart's desire of changing me back?"

"I - I'm not entirely sure that's my -"

"You would not leave me in this state, would you?"

Matthew gave the matter serious thought. Did he really want Sir Francis changed back? He would be much easier to escape from, as a frog. Not to mention that it would be more difficult to be groped by him, and -

"I suppose if you think it is not possible, there is nothing to be done," sighed the frog knight, defeated. "I shall simply resign myself to the facts, and learn to put this new, very long tongue of mine to good use."

"I'll head out right now," Matthew promised, and raced from the inn.

* * *

Time passed in this way and that, and Matthew found himself at Arthur's cottage.

"Hello?" Matthew called, knocking gently at the door frame. The door itself was missing, but he felt bad about simply barging in. "Is anybody home? I've come to see the Royal Wizard Arthur."

"He's not here!" a voice snapped from farther inside the house. "Go away!"

"If he's not here, who am I speaking to?"

There was furious muttering that sounded something like "Bollocks." Then, "It doesn't matter. Go away."

Matthew was tempted. The speaker was clearly in a bad mood, and he hated to intrude. But Sir Francis had sent him, and Matthew dare not return without giving it his best. If the former knight thought that his squire had given up too easily, he would fall into the depths of despair. That led to tears (if a frog could still cry), which inevitably led to Matthew having to comfort him, and... well, Matthew really did not want to do that.

And so Matthew quietly stepped into the cottage. He heard murmurs and curses coming from a back room, so he headed that way. Soon enough, he came upon a blond man in a cloak. The man was hissing under his breath, while scanning pages in a book that seemed to be devoted to the magical repairing of wood.

"Royal Wizard Arthur?" Matthew asked.

The Royal Wizard gave a start, dropping the book. "Who's there?" he cried, spinning around.

"Erm, I'm Matthew, sir. I am the squire of Sir Francis."

"Oh, _him_." The wizard glowered and turned back to his book. "Good-for-nothing frog, figures he'd send someone to plead his case."

"I have not come to plead a case," Matthew said. "Actually, I've only come to ask you to smile."

Arthur snorted. "You and every other person in this bloody kingdom."

There was an uncomfortable period of silence, as the wizard continued to read his book and Matthew stood awkwardly behind him. Finally, Arthur glanced over his shoulder. When he saw Matthew, he narrowed his eyes. "What the hell are you still doing here? Go back to your stupid frog knight!"

"Sir, I really can not leave until you smile," Matthew insisted. "Could you please do it, even if it is a small one?"

The wizard smiled, but it seemed not so very different from a grimace. "Lad, you seem a decent fellow. Just go home and enjoy your life."

"I can't do that until you give a true smile, so if you could please do that, I'd really appreciate it."

Arthur responded by snapping his fingers.

Matthew panicked and immediately began to look himself over. Had the Royal Wizard set about to turn him into a frog as well?

"No, you're not transformed," Arthur humorlessly chuckled, without even turning around. Apparently Matthew's worries were that predictable. "Like I said, you're a nice boy. And frankly, you don't annoy me as much as your stupid knight did. But I need to get work done, and that spell should keep you from distracting me."

Eyes widening, Matthew continued to examine himself. "I was made invisible?" he gasped. "But I can still see myself!"

"I imagine that right now, you think you've been made invisible," Arthur said. "That's not quite it. You're just much less noticeable. And yes, there is a difference. Invisibility is damned annoying. Not to mention that I'm sure you'll appreciate going unnoticed by that frog." He turned to look in Matthew's general direction. "You can find your way to the door, I presume? You'll forgive me for not escorting you, for obvious reasons."

As the wizard turned back to his book, Matthew rapped his knuckles against the nearest wall. When that failed to get a response, he stomped his foot loudly. When there was still nothing, he snuck up and waved his hand in front of Arthur's face.

No reaction at all.

He really was completely unnoticeable! He went unseen. He went unheard. He - oh god, did this mean he did not have to constantly worry about where Sir Francis's hands were? He did not dare get his hopes up, but still...

Matthew set off to the inn, nearly skipping the entire way.

* * *

And so it passed through the afternoon, and so Sir Francis became impatient.

"Really, what is taking that boy so long?" he croaked, as he cooled himself in a dish of water that Alfred provided. "He should have come back hours ago!"

"I _did_ come back hours ago," Matthew said, from the corner of the room he had been sitting in. No one heard this.

"Alas, what will become of me?" Sir Francis continued. "My dear squire has failed and abandoned _moi_."

"Well, I kind of failed in that I didn't get him to smile," said Matthew. "I didn't abandon you, though."

"I think we should be kinder to Matthew," said Alfred. "I'm sure he did the best he could."

"It doesn't matter. I am still a frog." Sir Francis sighed. "There is nothing to be done for it, I suppose. My dear Alfred, I must send you to find the Royal Wizard's smile."

"Certainly!" said Alfred, his own face lighting up. "I shall find his smile! I shall find smiles for all!"

"See that you do," said Sir Francis, thinking that he would only smile again when this curse on him was lifted. "And try not to forget what you have been sent to do."

"Indeed!" said Alfred. And without further ado, he ran from the inn.

"A sad state of affairs, when one must rely on one's own fool for such matters," the frog knight grumbled, when he was sure the boy was out of earshot.

"I think you should give him more credit than that. He tries very hard, and never likes to let you down," said Matthew. "In fact, I think you could stand to learn a thing or two from him!"

Sir Francis did not hear this, of course, but Matthew was getting used to that. In fact, he was convinced that own enchantment had quite a few perks. At the very least, the knight had not grabbed at his rear since it happened.


	4. Chapter 4

In Which Four Requests Are Made Of Alfred

None dared to visit Arthur's cottage anymore. Back when the townsfolk did though, they always took the long road, leading them all the way around the castle. The queen tried to provide them with an easier path to take by building a new road, one which cut down on the distance by going right next to the castle walls. Sadly, like many of her efforts to improve things, the venture was in vain. The townsfolk felt uncomfortable using the new road, as they felt it was disrespectful to stroll so near the castle for a casual walk (that, and most of them did not want to run into the royal children).

Alfred, being a fool, did not think of any of this. All he knew was that one road was long and the other was short, and it would truly being foolish to take the longer path. If he had but known he was meant to be a fool, perhaps he might have done the foolish thing. But he thought himself to be a hero, and so he heroically went the way that would take him to his goal faster.

* * *

After walking for some time, he passed the royal stables. At that very moment, there was but one person in the stables, and she was Princess Deirdre. She was the only one in there because she had flirted so often with all of the stable boys, and they fled at the sight of her because of nerves. As a result, she had to prepare her own horse when she wanted to go riding.

Naturally, Alfred had no idea of any of this. There had been no chance for him to learn of the drama of the kingdom's royal family (though even if there had been, he likely wouldn't have bothered with it). Thus, when he saw her in the stables, he believed her to be a lovely servant preparing the horse for some great lady.

For her part, Deirdre had no idea who Alfred was. She had never in her life seen someone use the shorter road so casually. The few times anyone had walked it, they had slunk by as if they would be shot on sight by the guards. She found Alfred's care-free behavior to be interesting, and found herself wanting to know more about him. As he drew near, she waved.

"Good day, dear stranger," she called.

He drew nearer to her and gave a blinding smile. "Good day, dear lady," he said.

She gave a smile of her own in return. "If I may be so bold, may I ask where such a handsome fellow is on his way to?"

Alfred's eyebrows creased in genuine confusion. "I am afraid I do not know where any handsome men are going to, at this moment. Were you curious about one in particular?"

Now it was Deirdre's turn to be truly confused. Usually it just took that smile and a sentence to turn any man into jelly. She had been trying not to, really, but she had thought for sure that a newcomer to the kingdom would be very easy to charm. He was really oblivious to it though and, to her surprise, she found this didn't bother her. Flirting with him did not bring the usual burst euphoria. For once in her life, she decided to skip the coyness and speak to him directly.

"If I may be so bold, where are _you_ going?" she asked.

"Ah!" said Alfred, relaxing. "Now that I can tell you! I have been sent to find Royal Wizard Arthur, in the hopes of finding his lost smile."

"Oh, you too?" she asked. "Well, if you are already on your way there, could - could you possibly...?" She bit her lip, struggling to think of if she ought to go through with her request or not. Finally, she blurted out, "Could you ask him how I may solve the problem that is troubling me?"

"Certainly!" said Alfred, flashing another beautiful smile. "What problem should I ask about?"

She looked horribly embarrassed, but went ahead. "I...I must confess that I have a terrible habit. I love attracting the attention of men, but I never am able to find one I want to stay with. They all lose my attention too quickly. I do not know what to do about this! Please, ask Arthur what I must do to find myself happily in the arms of one man? I would ask him myself, but he will no longer speak to me, you see..."

"Of course I'll ask him! Just leave it to me!" said Alfred. And with a cheerful wave, he set out on his way.

* * *

Alfred walked for some time more, and the path soon took him near a window. He heard the sound of humming drifting from inside. The tune was cheerful and Alfred loved meeting people who enjoyed happy things, so he peeked inside.

The person humming the tune was none other than Prince Cormac, who was busily polishing his armor. He always did the job himself, as he felt that it was his responsibility and thus felt guilty if he made a servant do it.

Naturally, Alfred had no idea of this. He saw Cormac working away, dressed in a servant's clothes (the prince, of course, would not have dreamed of getting his good clothes pointlessly dirty) and thought him to be a diligent squire.

"Hello there, friend!" Alfred called. "That is a merry tune you know there!"

Cormac turned to the window with a start. Upon seeing Alfred, his face split into a grin. "Well-met, dear stranger!" he replied. "I always find a bit of music helps the time pass."

"True, true," said Alfred. "I believe I will remember that as I continue on my journey."

"To where do you journey?"

"I am on a quest to see Royal Wizard Arthur and find his smile."

The prince's smile faded a little at this, for he privately worried that nothing would help his little brother to smile again. Still, there was no harm in letting this stranger have a go. And while he was at it...

"Excuse me, dear stranger," said Cormac. "Please don't think me rude, but I was wondering if you might ask Arthur something, on my behalf."

"Of course!" said Alfred. "Name it."

"For all of my life, everyone has thought me to be a selfish and unkind person. It pains me that everyone I meet thinks so poorly of me, as I want to do my best to cause them as little distress as possible. No matter what I try though, I cannot convince them of my good intentions. Could you ask Arthur what I can do to prove that I really do want to be a good person?"

"I certainly can!" replied Alfred. "I will be back with the answer before the day is out!"

And taking the leaf from Cormac's book, he hummed a tune as he set off.

* * *

Alfred continued to walk until the tune ran out and he was nearly at the cottage. Just as the path began to wind away from the castle, he heard the sound of screaming. A second later, someone crashed into him.

"Oh dear," that someone said, helping Alfred off of the ground. "I'm sorry, excuse me..."

"Come back here and listen like a man!" the screamer snapped, coming from around the corner of the castle. He was a little man, loud, and red in the face.

"Oh please, leave me be!" the man who crashed into Alfred begged. "I hate arguing."

"You are too soft for your own good! When I ask you for something, I expect to get it!"

Now, the angry man and the timid man were none other than Prince Finn and Prince Pywll, who were doing what came naturally to them. As with the other royal children though, Alfred did not recognize them. He thought the foul-mouthed Finn to be a badly-tempered beggar, and Pywll to be an easily-startled servant.

"Here now!" said Alfred, stepping in between the two of them. "What's the reason for all of this?" He turned to Finn. "Yelling is no way to get a person to listen! And yet," he turned to Pywll, "Running away from a problem will not help you solve it."

Pywll began to shake. "Excuse me!" he said, and darted around the other side of the castle.

"Little coward," snarled Finn. "How an idiot like him has made it this far, I'll never know."

"You shouldn't be so cruel to him," said Alfred. "I'm sure you owe much to his kindness."

"Owe him what?"

"Well, it looks like he is willing to look out for you."

For the briefest moment, Finn looked ashamed. "You do...well, you could say...I suppose... Never mind any of that!" he snapped, quickly regaining his temper. "Who are you to lecture me, and why are you here?"

"I am here on an important mission," said Alfred. "I have been sent to see the Royal Wizard Arthur and find his smile."

Finn snorted. "Hmph. I wish you the best of luck with that. Though..." his voice dropped so low that Alfred had to lean close to listen. "If - if you're going there anyway, c-could you ask him something for me?"

"I will," Alfred promised.

"Alright." Finn closed his eyes, and spat out the request as quickly as possible. "Ask him if he knows how I can cool my temper!"

"I can do that," said Alfred. "Don't feel bad, it's not a bad thing to ask about."

"Oh, be gone with you!" growled Finn, before he stormed away.

Alfred was about to set off on the final leg of his journey, when he heard someone clearing their throat. He turned to see Pywll, watching him cautiously.

"Oh, hello!" said Alfred, as friendly as one could wish. "Did you need me to ask the Royal Wizard Arthur something for you, too?"

"Ask him what I must do to find courage, please!" the prince begged, before running off.

"I will," Alfred called after.

And he continued onward.


	5. Chapter 5

In Which Alfred Remembers All Requests But The Fifth, And Sir Francis Is Not Happy

It was nearing evening when Alfred finally reached the wizard's cottage. He tried to enter through the front door, but found it to be some sort of immovable metal instead of the usual wood. He tried the windows, but they were all locked. With no other choice, he climbed onto the roof of the cottage and crawled towards the chimney.

"Excuse me!" he called down. "If you have a fire going, I would very much appreciate it if you put it out right now!"

And then he slid down the chimney.

It was a bit cramped on the way down, but the trip thankfully was not long. When Alfred crawled out of the fireplace (which, most fortunately, did _not_ have a fire lit in it), he found himself being stared at by the Royal Wizard Arthur.

"Hello!" said Alfred.

"You really did..." muttered Arthur, as if he could not believe his eyes. "I heard you on the roof, and I said to myself, 'There is not a person alive who is foolish enough to actually come down the chimney.' There you have it, something new can be learned every day. Truly, the idiocy of mankind knows no bounds."

"I'm sorry to intrude," said Alfred, and he did look so sorry that even the cynical Arthur found himself believing it. "I came here for something, but I can not seem to recall what..."

"Oh, bloody hell," grumbled Arthur, preparing himself for yet another damned request to smile.

"Ah! That was it!" cried Alfred, snapping his fingers. "I was asked by several people to seek your advice on some matters for them."

Well. That was different. "That's it?" Arthur asked. "You're... quite sure?"

Alfred frowned. "I believe so. I can't think of anything more important than those requests."

"Oh, well if you're sure..." Arthur was torn. On one hand, he had retired from being the Royal Wizard, and vowed to never again use his magic for the trivial things the kingdom pestered him for. On the other hand, it was only advice, and the boy wasn't as annoying as the other people who had come to try to cheer him up. He at least was asking for nothing for himself, and Arthur hadn't seen anyone do that in quite some time. And, the sardonic side of the wizard thought, he seemed gullible enough to be amusing. Lord knew that it had been so long since anything had amused Arthur. "Very well, what do you wish to know?"

"As I was walking here, I met a woman working in the stables," said Alfred. "She wanted nothing more than to be happily in the arms of a man."

Arthur snorted derisively at that. Of course someone would ask for his help with that! "Have her lick a frog, if that's all she wants," he said scornfully.

"Really?" asked Alfred. "Is that it?"

Arthur's eyebrows went up. Did the lad really not hear that ever word of his answer was dripping with sarcasm? "Erm...yes," he said. "Really, that's all that needs to be done."

"How odd! I thought that it was usually _kissing_ that did the trick!"

"That's...only with magical animals."

"Oh, I see! Thank you!" cried Alfred. "Can you solve the other problems as easily?"

_I certainly can_, Arthur thought. _This really _will_ be entertaining!_

Aloud, he said "Well, it will depend. What are the problems?"

"As I continued on my journey, I came across a squire. He was a kind fellow, but no one could realize it. He wanted to know what he could do to impress upon other people his noble intentions."

Arthur decided that he might as well be completely ridiculous, to see how much this idiot would swallow. "Well now, nothing simpler!" he said. "All he must do is devour a large portion of meat, coated in as many spices as possible. Anyone who sees him manage such a feat will surely be impressed by him."

"Amazing!" cried Alfred. "Truly, you are the greatest wizard in all the land!"

"Yes, thank you," muttered Arthur. He knew Alfred had likely never met any other wizards and thus had no basis for comparison, but it felt...nice to be complimented so earnestly. Really, it was the first time in quite a while that it had happened. "What were the other questions?"

Alfred continued. "As I neared the end of my journey, I came across an ill-tempered beggar who was harassing a quiet servant. Both of these men had favors they wanted me to ask of you. The servant wanted to know what he must do to cure himself of his timid nature."

Arthur dismissively waved his hand, as if the question were insultingly easy. "Just tell the servant he must have a great scare. If he is shocked more than he has ever been before, all his fear will leave him in one go."

"Wonderful!" cried Alfred. "That only leaves the beggar, who wanted to know how he might cool his terrible temper."

"Tell him to drink a cup of milk mixed with wine," Arthur invented on the spot. "The more people who are nearby when he drinks it, the more he will be able to tolerate the company of others."

Upon hearing those "solutions", Alfred's face lit up. "Oh thank you, thank you!" he said, taking Arthur's hands in both of his own. "Those people will be so happy!"

"Think nothing of it, my boy," said Arthur. "Do you need any help getting back to wherever you're staying?"

"Oh no, I'll walk," said Alfred, cheerfully. "I have to tell those people the answers to their problems, after all. I'll just be on my way."

He turned to head for the door, only to find himself outside and on the path back to the inn. It was very kind of the wizard to do that for him, he reflected as he headed back to the inn, seeing as he was sure he couldn't climb back up the chimney.

* * *

On his way back to the inn, Alfred took care to find the people he met and tell them what answers Arthur had given.

He found the ill-tempered beggar first, pacing the area where they first met and cursing someone named Pywll.

"Good day, my friend!" called Alfred.

"A good day indeed," said the beggar, furiously. "Did you see Arthur?"

"I did."

"And?"

"He told me that if you wish to cool your temper, it is best to drink a cup of wind mixed with milk. The more people who see you do this, the more people will tolerate your company."

"How ridiculous!" cried the beggar.

"It is what the wizard told me."

"You are quite certain of that?" he asked, his voice softening. "Well then... I thank you for the advice, I suppose. I probably won't follow it!" he added.

"I hope you do," said Alfred. "I hope you solve your problem."

The beggar snorted and stormed away.

* * *

As Alfred walked around to the next side of the castle, he met with the timid servant.

"Good day, my friend!" called Alfred.

"Yes... good day," said the servant, looking nervous at being spoken to so loudly. "Did you get the answer?"

"The wizard Arthur told me that to cure your quiet nature, the best thing to do is to have one great scare. That will knock all of your fears out of you in one go."

"Would it really?" the servant anxiously asked. "I suppose I could do that... couldn't I? It would only be one scare, after all. And I could simply... no, no I could not. I could not possibly go through with that..."

"Well, I must be off," said Alfred, seeing that the servant would not be making up his mind anytime soon. "The best of luck, and may your problem be cured!"

And he continued on his way, leaving the servant still muttering to himself.

* * *

Finally, he came upon the squire still polishing armor. Truly he was a hard worker, shining the armor not only for his knight, but for all the rest.

"Good day, my friend!" called Alfred.

"Good day as well, good sir!" the squire replied. "Did the wizard Arthur give you an answer?"

"He said that to win the admiration of all, you must eat a large portion of meat, coated with as many spices and seasonings as possible. All who see such a feat will be impressed.

"I thank you kindly," said the squire, though he seemed to think the advice odd. "I must thank you for your help. Did you know that tomorrow, there will be a great feast held in the castle?"

"I did not."

"All in the kingdom will attend. I think even the wizard Arthur might come. Please, come to it as well! There will be plenty of food and drink, and no one will be bored."

"I thank you very much for that!" said Alfred. "I certainly shall attend."

And with that, he bid the squire farewell and set out on his way. He could not find the woman in the stables, but that did not bother him. He surely would see her at tomorrow's feast, and could tell her the answer to her question then.

* * *

When Alfred returned home, he was greeted by a frog glaring at him.

"Well?" asked Sir Francis.

"Good day!" said Alfred, bright as always.

"You did not succeed, I presume?"

"Succeed?"

"With getting the Royal Wizard to smile. You see, if you had managed it, I would not be a frog any longer."

"He could have succeeded and just not wished for your curse to be lifted," said Matthew. He had spent the entire afternoon telling Sir Francis exactly what he thought of him, and was enjoying his new situation immensely. "Not everything is about you, you know."

"Oh dear," said Alfred. "I'm afraid I did not even try."

Sir Francis simultaneously cursed God for saddling him with such a fool, and thanked Him for at least making said fool honest. "What did I say to you, before you left?"

"Why should he tell you? Can't you remember for yourself?" asked Matthew, grinning broadly.

"Ah! Well, you will be happy anyway!" said Alfred. "I _did_ succeed in finding the answers to the problems of four people today!"

"Four people," Sir Francis weakly repeated. "You could not help your dear knight, but you could help four strangers."

"And they were so grateful, it would have warmed your heart to see it! The last of the four even was so kind as to invite me to the great feast being held tomorrow."

"Wonderful," said Sir Francis, dryly. "I do hope they serve flies."

"Perhaps," said Alfred, in complete seriousness. "But it should be fun, regardless. Why, he even thought the wizard Arthur would be there."

"Did he now?" Sir Francis scratched his chin, which looked so comical that Matthew laughed openly for half a minute. "Alfred, I think it would be a grand idea to attend this feast."


	6. Chapter 6

In Which Six Impossible Things Happen

As Alfred had been told, the whole of the kingdom (or at least, very close to the whole of it) was at the feast. It was held in the castle banquet hall, where countless tables were lined up and piled with mountains of food and drink.

Alfred, naturally, was in the thick of it (as was Matthew, though no one noticed that so much). The fool consumed a frightening amount of meat, bread, and cheese, before Sir Francis finally got his attention.

The frog had come to the feast by hiding inside of Alfred's pocket. He was determined to remain close to the fool, so the boy did not stupidly wander off again.

"Alfred, please focus," Sir Francis said.

"Yes, of course," said Alfred, through a mouthful of what Sir Francis hoped to be water (The former knight had never, in all his years, seen the young fool drunk. Given how strange the boy behaved when he was sober, Sir Francis was anxious to keep to that record). "Oh, Sir Francis! Look! There is the fourth person I have to help!"

Sir Francis left Alfred to wave over whoever it was he wanted to see. The frog hopped carefully along the table, grateful that there was too much noise and commotion for anyone to care about single frog going about its business. After several minutes of searching, it looked as if fate was favoring the former knight. The Royal Wizard Arthur was seated at just the next table, looking sullen as ever and refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

" - And that is how the wizard Arthur said to solve your problem," Alfred was saying to some lovely young woman.

"I suppose I could do that," said the woman, biting her lip. "But where would I possibly find one at such a late date?"

"Alfred!" Sir Francis hissed. As much as he had to admire Alfred's taste in women (she was quite possibly the most beautiful lady he had ever laid eyes upon), they had to get a move on.

"I'm afraid I can't help you with that," said Alfred, not hearing Sir Francis.

"Alfred!"

"I wish you the best in luck with finding one, though."

"Alfred!"

"Sir Francis!" said Alfred, noticing the frog after the lady walked away. "How long have you been sitting there?"

"Far too long!" the former knight snapped. "The Royal Wizard is just one table over. Go and try to help him smile!"

After scanning the next table over, Alfred finally saw the familiar green eyes and busy eyebrows. "He looks so sad!" the fool cried. "How terrible, to be so unhappy at such a joyous get-together!"

"Yes, of course," said Sir Francis, who privately thought Arthur looked more sullen than sad. Still, whatever it took to get Alfred to focus. "Now, pick me up and - Alfred! Come back here!"

But Alfred did not listen. As soon as he saw how miserable Arthur looked, he ran to the wizards side. "Royal Wizard!" he cried, gripping the man's shoulders and spinning him around to face him. "Please, do not be unhappy any longer! I swear, I will see that your smile is found and you are able to enjoy the day!"

"Is this some sort of joke?" Arthur snapped. The look on Alfred's face, though, was dead serious. The lad really _was_ concerned about his well being. And, he was touching his shoulders still, which Arthur did not like. "I don't give a damn about any smile! Release me this instant, you stupid git!"

"Oh, this is terrible," muttered Alfred, looking around the room. "Suppose it fell onto the floor and was kicked away by someone?"

Sir Francis suspected that he had sent his worst troop out to fight a losing battle. Even if it was possible for the foul-mouthed, ill-tempered wizard to feel anything resembling happiness, it was surely beyond Alfred's clumsy (if well-intentioned) means to spark it. He decided there simply was nothing left to do, save for resigning himself to a new life as a frog. And, of course, enjoy the opportunity that just arose.

"Alfred!" Sir Francis cried, hopping closer. "I think the smile was lost inside of his mouth! Look inside and see if you can find it!"

"Who said that?" asked Arthur, furiously looking around. "Why does that voice sound so - AWK!"

He had been cut off suddenly, as Alfred pried his mouth open as wide as it could go. The wizard struggled to pull free, but the fool was deceptively strong.

Not noticing the flails and muffled curses from the man he was holding, Alfred peered anxiously into Arthur's mouth. "I don't see it," he said, genuinely concerned.

"Oh, I think it is in there. You must keep looking." Sir Francis grinned, struck with a truly delicious idea. "Better still, you must fish it out."

"I don't think my hand will fit!"

"Then use your tongue to retrieve it!"

Without a moment's hesitation, Alfred shoved his mouth against Arthur's. As Arthur went limp with shock, Alfred thrust his tongue into the wizard's mouth and began waggling it furiously. He couldn't feel the smile, but it surely was in there somewhere!

A second later, Alfred fell to the floor. Arthur had regained control of his limbs long enough to push the fool away.

A second after that, a scream split the air.

* * *

Princess Deirdre had been wandering aimlessly, mulling over the advice Arthur had given. She was not adverse to licking a frog, but she really did have no clue as to where to find one. It was not as if her childhood had given her many opportunities to go frog-hunting.

As she walked along the rows of tables, she was dimly aware of some commotion or another going on. She did not pay it much heed at first (in the middle of such a large banquet hall, there was hardly a lack of commotions), but then she spotted something that caught her attention.

Hopping madly up and down on a nearby table was a frog.

As far as Deirdre was concerned, she had been blessed with a stroke of great luck. To think that a frog had just stumbled across her path, and so soon after she'd learned of Arthur's answer!

Without a moment's hesitation, the princess ran forward and caught the frog in her hands. The slimy thing wiggled and kicked, but she ignored that. For whatever her faults, the woman was not squeamish. A second later, she thrust the frog so close to her mouth that she nearly swallowed it. She run her tongue along its back.

A split second later, it happened.

There was no puff of smoke.

There was no clap of thunder.

One moment, Princess Deirdre held a squirming frog in her hands. The next, a very attractive but decidedly naked man fell against her, knocking her to the ground and landing on top of her.

"_Mon dieu_! What an adventure that was!" cried the man.

Deirdre screamed.

* * *

On the far right side of the banquet hall, Finn had been preparing to take the "cure" that Arthur prescribed. He had hoped that drinking the concoction in front of the whole of the kingdom would cure his temper forever and, though he would sooner have shoved a rapier up his nose than admit it, the thought made him happy.

He was just raising the goblet to his lips when a shriek deafened the hall.

Finn was, understandably, taken completely by surprise at this. In some deep, well-trained part of his brain, his immediate thought was that something was attacking the guests. This thought caused the deep, well-trained part of his brain to kick him into action and raise his hands to draw his weapon.

This was all well and good, but Finn had no weapons in his hand. What he had was the goblet.

And so, before he could properly process what he was doing, he flung the goblet into the air. It went up several feet, before coming back down. On the way back it flipped over, thus causing the contents of the goblet to fall on Finn's head, followed shortly after by the goblet itself.

* * *

On the far left side of the banquet hall, Cormac was preparing to partake in his own "cure". He had prepared several large pieces of meat with all of the spices and seasonings he could find, and was now carrying a plate full of the food to his seat.

Like Finn, he was just as startled by the scream that split the air. Like Finn, the deep, well-trained part of his brain told him to step up and prepare to defend the guests. Like Finn, this left Cormac swinging his arm frantically, forgetting in his confusion that he was not holding a sword.

Instead, he swung the plate of meat. The meat slipped off of the plate, while the plate slipped out of his hand. It flew to the side and hit a suit of armor. With a deafening crash, the armor began to break into a heap of uncomfortable metal pieces.

This was all well and good, but Cormac saw that a small child was standing by the collapsing armor.

Without a moment's hesitation, he threw himself forward to shove the armor pieces into a safer direction, namely a direction where no one was standing.

* * *

As fortune would have it, Pywll had been standing nearby when the armor collapsed. The crash frightened him to the core, and he nearly passed out on the spot.

He was about to flee the banquet hall and find a quiet place for sitting with his head between his knees, when he saw Cormac leap forward and use his own body to shield the child in danger.

He was admiring his brother's courage when he saw that Cormac was not able to block all of the pieces of the armor. Several were still going to hit the child on the head.

In the several seconds it took for him to notice this, Pywll quickly realized that something had to be done. The deep, well-trained part of his brain shouted for him to... well, find a quieter place to calm his nerves.

Pywll ignored the deep, well-trained part of his brain in favor of running forward and pushing the child out of the way.

* * *

The hall had gone silent after those series of events. Everyone stared at whichever of the royal children was closest to them. Several had already begun to whisper about how the princes and princess seemed to have a knack for causing trouble. Most of the guests, however, were waiting to see what chaos would unfold.

Cormac staggered to his feet, shaking the pieces of armor off of him. He was bruised and shaken, and everyone held their breath in anticipation of him yelling at whichever of his brothers was closest.

The closest was Pywll, who seemed frozen in place.

Cormac ran to him and looked him in the eye. "Are you well?" he asked.

"I...think I am," said Pywll. His ears were still ringing and he was sure a bruise was forming where a piece of the armor had hit his cheek, but he wasn't shaking.

So yes, he was well.

Satisfied, Cormac turned and headed for Finn. That poor man was still dripping with wine and milk, rubbing his head where the goblet hit it. "Come to laugh at me?" he muttered, as Cormac drew near.

"I've come to dry you off, you fool," said Cormac, lightly. He took a cloth brought by a servant, and began drying his brother.

A moment later, Pywll was helping him. He was right next to his violent-tempered brother, yet he still did not shake.

The guests held their breath, waiting for Finn to explode and scream at them to stop babying him, or some such thing.

It never came. As soon as Finn was dry, he clasped Cormac and Pywll's hands and uttered a word no one had ever heard him say before.

"Thank you."

The princes then turned to Deirdre, who had unwittingly set everything off. She smiled weakly at them, wrapped in a strange blond man's arms. The man was clad only in a table cloth.

"Sister," said Cormac, "What is this?"

The princess flushed, but did not look unhappy. "Arthur told me I would be in the arms of a man if I licked a frog," she said. "He -" she nodded at the man, "had been a frog until minutes ago."

"Ah, _mademoiselle_, I am not a frog. I am Sir Francis!" the man proclaimed. "I was placed under that evil curse by... someone..." he faltered off as Arthur glared at him.

"I thought it as a kiss that broke curses on frogs," commented Finn.

"It is," said Pywll. "Any fool knows that."

"Well, my lips did brush him," said Deirdre. "That might have counted. But I licked his back..."

Arthur cleared his throat. "Actually, it has never been said anywhere that one has to kiss the frog's _mouth_ to break the curse."

"Ah."

The banquet hall lapsed into awkward silence. The guests were enjoying the show immensely. They eagerly watched to see what would happen next.

Finn sheepishly rubbed the bump on his head. Pywll nervously cleared his throat. Deirdre and Sir Francis continued to cuddle.

Finally...

"What the bloody hell just happened?" shouted Arthur, voicing what everyone in the hall was thinking.

Everybody turned to him. His brothers and sisters gathered around him. He glared at them all, but they gave him smiles instead of taunts.

"Our problems were solved," said Deirdre, running her hand appreciatively on Sir Francis's thigh and giggling as he nibbled her earlobe.

"We have you to thank for this," Pywll added.

"This kind fellow went to you with our questions and brought back your answers," Cormac explained.

"And they worked!" finished Finn.

Arthur's eyes widened as he realized what had gone on. "Oh dear lord," he muttered, running his hands through his hair.

Alfred, meanwhile, had crawled up off the ground and squeezed next to Arthur, on the bench. "Arthur?" he asked, his brow furrowed in concern. "Did I find it, Arthur?"

"Hmm?" Arthur gave up on trying to make sense of the past day or so and tried to focus on what Alfred was saying. He saw the look of true distress on the boy's face, and felt like like a right ass for ignoring him. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, did I find it? Did I find your smile?"

Arthur looked at that impossibly innocent face, so earnest with a desire to help him that he had not seen in so long, and felt something odd. The sides of his mouth were twitching. Now they were pulling back. How very strange!

And, before he could think of what exactly was happening, a smile split across Arthur's face. It was a true smile, lighting up his face like the sun in the sky.

"Why yes," said Arthur, marveling at the feeling bubbling in his chest (was this what people called "joy"?) "Yes, you found it."


	7. Chapter 7

In Which There Are Happen Endings For Seven People (Plus Matthew)

The quest was concluded, the dreams came true, and lost hope was found. All that was left was for everything to end as only these sorts of stories can.

Princess Deirdre never was able to stop her flirtatious behavior. Apparently there were some things that not even a great wizard could change. It did not matter though, because fortune was kind and Sir Francis could flirt just as much as she. He was the first man to so amorously return her affections. She was the first woman to embrace his romantic ideals, instead of slapping his hands away. Never was a couple better-matched, and thus it stood to reason that they were wed not long after that fateful day. Several of the stuffier members of the court protested the princess marrying a strange knight from a strange land, but Deirdre was happy and so the queen squashed all protests. The young men who worked at the castle, meanwhile, were simply glad to no longer have the princess flirting madly at them, every second of the day.

As for the princes, they became even more renowned as knights and leaders. Prince Cormac became famed as a father to his soldiers and was known as Cormac the Great. Prince Pywll, while still no stranger to fear, learned to charge at his foes instead of running and hiding. For this, he became known as Pywll the Daring. Prince Finn, meanwhile, learned to swallow the cross words that once constantly graced his tongue. Everyone found it delightful to be in his company, and he became known as Finn the Gregarios.

And as for Arthur, that single smile was all it took to make him a new person. From it, he began to laugh. From that laugh, he began to joke. And from that joke, he began to be happy. He did his best to hide this, making it quite clear that he would not stand for nicknames like his brothers had been given, but in secret, he became known as Arthur the Joyous.

As the only person to find Arthur's smile, Alfred was hailed throughout the kingdom as a hero. He was congratulated and cheered for by all. After the feast, he was brought before the royal family, in the throne room.

"Noble hero Alfred," said the queen, "you have found Arthur's smile. Do you know what that means?"

"It means that he is happier and healthier," Alfred replied. "And I say so much the better, as nothing suits him so well or makes him look half as handsome, besides."

"S-shut it!" hissed Arthur, feeling his ears turn red and, against his will, another smile creep across his face.

"It means that you have won whatever you wish," the queen quickly said. "Whatever it is your heart desires, it shall be granted."

"Really?" Alfred looked puzzled. "Heart's desire?"

"Yes," said Arthur. "I will grant it to you." When there was no response to this, he continued. "Is there anything you want?"

"Oh! Yes, to be sure," said Alfred. "I want to continue to travel to new lands, having as many adventures as possible and saving all who are in need!"

Arthur blinked. "Erm, is there anything else?"

"No."

"You don't want money or a noble title or...anything?"

Alfred's eyebrows drew together, as if he could not comprehend why someone would want those. "No, I - wait! There is one thing!"

"Name it," said Arthur.

"In one year's time, I want to return to this kingdom and join you again at the feast you will hold."

There was that bloody smile again, Arthur reflected. How did he _manage_ that? He left the smile on his face completely because it was too much trouble to fight, of course. "I would like that very much," he said to Alfred.

* * *

And with that, goodbyes were said and Alfred left the kingdom in search of heroic deeds to do. While all who saw him go swore he went alone, everyone heard him talking animatedly with someone he referred to as "Matthew". Arthur simply smiled at this. Of course Alfred would be able to notice Matthew, but naturally he would say nothing if Matthew wanted nothing said.

Humming for the first time in his life that he could recall, Arthur returned to his cottage. He magicked the door back to normal wood and left it open at all times. Every day people visited him for help, and you can be certain he never turned a single one away.

* * *

One year passed, in this way and that, and it came time once more for the feast. The queen was there, with the princes and princess and Sir Francis. The joy was unconfined, with dancing in the streets and drinking in the banquet hall.

You can bet any amount of money that amidst the crowds of guests, Royal Wizard Arthur was there. He watched and waited until at last he found -

Well, I think you know the rest.

I tell this tale with great certainty, dear readers, for I myself was at that banquet hall. I watched it all while in great cheer, and drank until my whiskers were wet with beer.


End file.
